So if my mom saw my dorm room now she would flip.... I'm going home tomorrow and I'm tryin' to take as much stuff as I can. It will make it easier 2 Wednesdays from now when I finish exams and go home. You see, I always do this. When I start packing or "cleaning out" reallly good---I spread out everything and then in the middle of this process I get bored or tired and just stop. Like now, I've stopped--even though you can barely walk in our room-- not to mention there is pile of stuff right outside my dorm.

Me and my "apartmentmates" were talking about this today... It's not that school is stressing us out, but everything else we have to do + school. I agree--except I don't get stressed out... I laugh in the face of overwhelming amounts of homework and projects... most of the time. I'm not gonna lie... I'm tired right...very tired... and apparently I look like it too-- according to the girls in my prayer group-- haha. But I'm still good.

It really is overwhelming... but that just makes it exciting. right?

Today was a crazy day for me... but man, was God there.

I volunteered to judge a science fair for a local middle school. Me and a friend on the hall, who is also an education major were going together to be judge. I told her to be ready at 8:30 and I would drive. We were suppose to arrive at 9..

Well as you probably predicted.. I woke up late.. At 8:35, I heard a polite little knock at my door. I instantly jumped up, realizing what I had done. Went ahead and threw on my skirt from yesterday-- dashed to the door-- told my friend I would be ready in a minute..threw on my shirt from yesterday-- tamed my hair-- attempted to get rid of my horrible morning breath--and called it a done job. We then left, found the school, got their on time... no one even knew. Thanks for waking me up my fellow educator!

1st place went to "Make a Wave in Science"
2nd was something to do with the soil
and 3rd was "Seismograph" ...it was really cool

This took alot longer to do than anticipated.... it took up the time I was suppose to finish my astronomy problems..

Got back to school and went to La Carretta with a good friend and my roomie... gotta get use to eatin' rice, beans, and salsa ya know...

Shower...it was needed

By the grace of my calculator and a friend I ran into from my astronomy class...I finsihed my problems... Couldn't have done unless she was there to help me... Usually I get them... but you see... when we were doing them in class... I was daydreamin' about Guatemala...(for real... one day I missed half a page of notes).

Meeting about apartment.. can't wait.. still can't believe we have the apartment we have.. and I am going to live with my best friends at Liberty!

Dinner.

I was suppose to go to a Workshop for Education... but it got canceled.... I needed that.. Thanks God.

God is in the big things and the little.
God knows what and when I need things---tonight, I just needed a couple of hours to chill & pack...

I'm tired... but that's okay.
Matthew 11:28-30

So because I have a hard time falling asleep, I've been reading a book at night. I read it last summer, as part of my devotions. Last night, a really cool analogy was given.

One night a man is driving on the road and a deer jumps out in front of him. Luckily, the deer wasn't hurt or his car damaged.
Another night, a deer runs out in front of a car. The impact caused it to go right over the car and then landed behind the car. The car suffered minimum damage. The person in this car was a little shaken up, and affected their drivig the next few weeks.
One day a couple was driving through the countryside, windows down because it was such a nice, beautiful day They say a deer stumbling down a hillside next to the road in front of the. They had seen deer do this many times before, but this deer wasn't stoppin! Somehow, when the deer got to the bottom of the hill, the car was right there as well. The deer dove headfirst into the open window of the car into the lap of the wife. The deer started jumpin and jivin. As expected, this left quite a bit of damage to their car and forever changed the driving habits of that couple.


"All three of these stories involved a collision with a deer, each with very different results. In the same way, each of us will have an encounter with God. For some of us, an encounter with God produces no change in who we are and how we live. For others, God might collide with us, and it changed us temporariy. However for some of us, a head-on collision with the living, holy God will ruin us-alter us forever. "

Which is true of mine and your collisions with God?

Tonight I was chillin' with some girls in my prayer group before hall meeting (we had been practicing for the "dance-off"). I was having such a hard time keepin my eyes open.. which was weird becaue it was only 9 o clock--that's prime time for us college students. Anywayzz-- I asked them if I looked tired, because I felt sooo tired, but I didn't think I should be? They told me right away that I did....That really boosted my self-esteem. I love looking tired! I asked if it was because I didn't have eye make-up on.. they said no-- I looked more tired than normal (which made me think I always look tired). Once again.. a definite ego-booster.

Spring semester is like a love/hate relationship. It's great because summer is just around the corner, the weather warms up, and my birthday is in March...The bad thing is pollen (which I'm okay with now, the rain washed it away) and you have to do allllll kinds of stuff for next semester!

I hate details...My mom can attest to that. I'm okay not knowing everything and just going with the flow. I get that from my dad. I like being sponatenous. My mom calls it "care-free." So having to pick classes next year, looking for places to live, and even thinking about student teaching for next year drives me up the wall. Can I not just live this day? Geewhizzz what if Jesus comes back before Guatemala? O yeah-- Guatemala, as you suspect, requires me to do all that detail stuff as well.

I hope I'm not complaining.. I'm not.. I know details are good and required-- it's just not my forte. If you need some creativity or spontaneity-- look me up

The point of all this. The end of the semester is rapidly approaching which means Guatemala is right around the corner... AHHHHH!!!! Lots to get done before then... but it makes me sooo excitied... ( when I get over my strong dislike for details)...

I don't know about you, but when I was little I use to not be able to sleep well before the first day of school. Did you know that mom? I would just lay in my bed for the longest time wondering about what would happen that school year! What would my friends look like? What would we learn? Would our teacher be Hitler or an angel? Tons of homework or a teacher who didn't believe in homework (my 4th grade teacher!!!).... Tons of thoughts. Even in college I do this... before the first day of classes. It's just so exciting, especially in college, to meet new people and be in a new environment-- even if it is just a different classroom.

I like new things... alot. So Guatemala arouses me beyond all excitment. New country.. new people....new language... new food.. new culture... new music.. new churches.. new everything!

Those nights before the first day of school....I'm having them now.. the nights before my first time out of the country. the first time on a missions trip.. .the first time being away from my family this long....

sweet dreams...

Everyone loves music.. I don't care who you are where you live.. we all like some kind of music. I too love music... I like being at home all by myself and playing the piano to songs I know (when I'm by myself I belt it like I were on stage.. o and like I had an amazing voice.) Among my friends, I am known for making parodies to songs. I can't do this on command.. only when I "feel it." My best one by far was when I was with my roommies last semester and I thought I was gonna puke. Another thing.. I don't normally remember thy lyrics after I write them.. but that one was to the "Desert Song" --"This is my prayer in this car, when everything inside feels like its going to come up? " Don't exactly remember.. but hopefully I painted a picture for you.

Over the past two years there have been some songs that have really meant alot to me. It's like I would learn something about God or He would be teaching me something and then like Emeril says, "BAM"-- I hear a song about it. I love it when that happens. Hearing the right song at the right time... now that's a good thing

At Liberty we have to attend 3 convocations (chapels) a week. Last Friday, I heard a song I needed to hear. Here's the lyrics... Don't worry I didn't change them to make a parody.

I made you promises a thousand times
I tried to hear from heaven
But I talked the whole time
I think I make you too small
I never feared you at all no
If you touched my face would I know you?
Looked into my eyes could I behold you?

What do I know of you
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
but the shore along your ocean?
Are you fire? Are you fury?
Are you sacred? Are you beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of holy?

I guess I thought I had you figured you out
I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about
How you were might to save
Those were only empty words on a page
Then I caugh a glimpse of who you might be
The slightest hint of you brought me down to my knees.

What do I know of holy?
What do I know wounds that will heal my shame?
And a God who gave life it's name?
What do Iknow of holy?
Of the one who the angels praise?
All creation knows your name?
On earth and heaven above
What do I know of this love?

Lately, with this whole worry of not being real or genuine in my faith...I think I have forgotten some key elements... The words to this song helped me focus everything back into perspective.

I know so little about the God that knows me so well.

That explains these thoughts of not feeling real... how can you serve, promote, talk about, model, show, write about, read about something... if you don't know about it. The something I don't know as well as I thought is not a something but a someone... God.

Taking that line that says "have I even stood upon your ocean." I don't even know if I have yet to even test out the water... I think right now I'm preparing too. I'm putting on my sunscreen, gettting my goggles, and I got my raft. Now it's time to take the dive.

God, help me know You more. Give me understanding to help me comprehend the depths of your love, your grace, your mercy, your faithfulness, your forgiveness..... help me better understand the depths of Who You Are..

"I thought I had you figured out...but then I caught a glimpse of who you might be."

$3,650 is what I needed by Friday... I got $3,756 in my account right now. First I would like to Thank God for working everything out.. and being in control like He always is :D You see there was a check that got lost in the mail.. and I was getting a little nervous.. but it got here! Even though we can't always trust the mail services, we can trust God, right?

Second THANK YOU to everyone who contributed finicially. I am still in shock from the abundance of generosity shown. I truly appreciate it and it means so much to have people care about this. Thank you :D

Another cool thing. If you do the math, I roughly have $100 left over (which will go towards my tuition for the classes I will be taking my first month down there). Guess how much money I had to go ahead and pull out of my own account to turn in to meet deadlines? Yep.. $100 dollars. Thank you God. I love moments like these.

I was having a conversation with a guy in my brother dorm a couple of weeks ago... started out just as a normal, polite conversation. "How are you doing, Nikki?" and then I said "Wonderful!" Apparently I said it really enthusiastically, because he questioned if there was any special reason why? After laughing at this, I said "Well, technically I always have joy, but today I am extra-happy." I think that we can always be joyful... nothing can take away our true joy, which is salvation in Christ. Happiness, on the otherhand, I think that we control. Anyways.. I told him that today I just felt extra-blessed. It wasn't that I was more blessed that day than any other day. Everyday of my life I have been richly blessed; it is just that some days I am aware of it more than others.

Tonight in my prayer leader class (I am on leadership for my hall here at Liberty as a prayer leader; we must attend a weekly class for training), the stat was given that we were in the 1%... One percent of the world gets to go to college.

Just by going to college I am in the 1%, but I wonder how many in the 1% have a relationship that will last for eternity with the God of the Universe?
I wonder how many of that 1% has a family that loves them.. they may not always like her, but they definetely love her.. and always show it.. more than they should.
I question how many of that 1% has friends that constantly blow her mind--friends that are still her friends even after she has mistreated them at some point in life. Friends that build her up and always "got her back."
I wonder how many have a roommate.. who they now consider a best friend after 3 years-- a best friend that has been a living model of faith for them to look to daily and who sometimes acts like their mom when needed.
I wonder out of that 1% how many have a chance to go to another country for the summer... I could keep going... I think 1% looks big to the percentage I'm in, and I didn't even finish my list.

I am richly blessed everyday... but today was one of those days where it was brought to my attention even more.

Psalm 92:4

For you, O Lord, have made me glad by your work;

at the works of your hands I sing for joy.

26 days till Guatemala...and it still has not set in that I am going. I have been overwhelmed with the generosity and support of my family, my church family, and even just friends of the family. My mom has started "collecting" toiletries, people I don't even know that well have sent money, people ask me about it at church just wanting to know more--so many people care about this.
THANK YOU! for those of you who contributed to my trip--whether finicial or prayer--I apreciate it so much. I don't deserve it.

Like in my last post...I've really been evaluating how real and genuine I am about my faith. Last night I had a good talk with a good friend about it-- it helped out.. Thanks ;D I have too many great friends.. once again... I don't deserve them.

It's my third year at Liberty and I have noticed a trend. When it gets close to the end of the semester its so easy to become short-term minded. Even at a Christian college... we get tied up in exams, summer plans, plans for next year... it really does have potential to be stressful. Being in college isn't just about passing the tests or even getting the degree. It's so much more... it's living for God. Easy to say--but for many, including myself at times, it's hard to keep this mindset.
It's about eternity.. not getting the diploma, not landing the career, not even finding Mr. Right.
We often quote Philippians 3:14 when feeling overwhelmed.. "I press toward the goal." For me, the goal is not finishing this semester, it's not about completing a 2-month trip to Guatemala, graduating from college, landing the perfect teaching job.. not even settling down and having a family. My goal won't be finished until I see Jesus' face... and I don't know when that is...
But I am going to keep running towards Him, knowing that I am nothing of myself. I need Him. My everything is in Him. I so badly crave the "righteousness that comes from faith," not just from yourself (Phil. 3:8). It's more than just being a good person or "Christian-like"... Anyone can put on a show.. but I want a real passion to burn in my heart. Not a passion of solely doing good, but a passion for eternity.. a passion for God and furthering His Kingdom.

I have so much to work on, and one thing for sure--though I am 21.. I don't have time to take a break from working towards this goal of just knowing God more and more. I have so far to go...I always will until heaven.

God, You have overwhelmed me.

Fix my heart God.

Mend it and mold it to be like Yours.

Set my heart on You and my eyes on eternity.

Not so that I am a better Christian...

I will never be good enough to deserve You or the blessings that come from You...

but so that ultimately,

You are glorified.

"Break my pride till all I see....is all of you, uncovering me."

I'm tired of mediocrity... I'm frustrated with complacency... I just want to be real...

Easier said than done right?

Do you ever come to a point where you question your own validity? For me lately I haven't been questioning my salvation.. it has been more of how am I really living out my faith.

My greatest fear in life is being a hypocrite.

I don't want to just blend in with the crowd that surrounds me. I love the college I go to...don't get me wrong...but I hope that the Christian atmosphere that encloses me is not a hinderance... but an aid to growth. Lately, I've been wondering which one it is. Is it becoming so easy to "say the right thing" and "do the right thing," that I have forgotten what true faith in God is? Faith is constantly saying to God.. I can't do anything without you.. I need you and trust you. I hope that Liberty has not become a SparkNotes book on how to pass tests of faith.

I just want to be genuine.. is that too much to ask? I want the things I do to mirror what's on my heart. With that said, it starts in my heart. I want a real love for God; I don't want to just say it. I want to yearn, desire, and desperately want God. He is more than just my way to heaven. I want this love that I have for God to spew over like water in a boiling pot! I want to love others... not just because I am told I am suppose to... but because I see people as God's people--people He created and formed who have the same chance as I to personally know Him.

Having a right heart will lead to doing the right things. I don't want to just go to church, do my devotions, go to a christian college, go on a missions trip, just because I am a "christian." No... I want to do these things because of the conditon of my heart--my heart that is overwhelmed by God. I don't just want to help people out because that is the nice thing to do. The central desire is God's love. I don't help the less fortunate or be nice to my enemies, just to gain brownie points... Once again..I want to do this because I am genuinly star-struck by God and His love for me.

I'm tired of standing on the fence.. It's time to pick a side.


God... search me.. know me... try me and see...